Our Decision Frames: Identity

Hop into a time machine to your old self - at 16, 18, 21, 25, 30 years old and to the present time (if you're older like me!) - how did you identify yourself at that time? What changed about what you thought about yourself as time went on?

Let me tell some of my identity changes - throughout middle and high school, I was a proud band nerd, and in high school was one of the smart kids. As I moved into college, I felt more popular and life of the party. As I graduated college and joined Teach for America, I identified as a changemaker, and now as I change careers, I'm picking up the identity of an entrepreneur. These identities were both reflections of, and influenced, my lifestyle and choices as I moved through life.

Behold this hilarious blurry picture of me, depicting my general state of identity confusion!

I did the exercise above to illustrate the many ways in which we can identify ourselves - the life stage we’re in, the schools we attend, the people we hang out with, the activities or jobs we do, our nicknames, our fitness level, skin color, and even what brands or celebrities we follow. Honestly, identity is this confusing concept, so why even bother writing about it?

Identity can be hard for us to define, and yet it still shapes our decisions and how we move through the world every day. It is therefore important to be aware of (and perhaps shape) our identity, and be conscious of how it's affecting our decision-making.

In this post, we’ll discuss:

• What is identity?

• Why is having a strong sense of identity important?

• How might we reflect on our identity?

• How might we understand how our identity shapes our decisions?

What is identity exactly?

For the sake of this post, we will start with identity being the answer to the question: who am I?

From the Stanford Encyclopedia: “Someone’s personal identity in this sense consists of those properties she takes to 'define her as a person' or 'make her the person she is', and which distinguish her from others. To have an 'identity crisis' is to become unsure of what one’s most characteristic properties are—of what sort of person, in some deep and fundamental sense, one is.”

According to Corey L. Guenther, Emily Wilton & Rachel Fernandes, “Identity refers to an individual’s organized constellation of traits; attitudes; self-knowledge; cognitive structures; past, present, and future self-representations; social roles; relationships; and group affiliations.”

And further, identity is a result of a process of "self-reflection and self-discovery, involving a process of exploration, experimentation, and negotiation with the social and cultural environments in which we live." (Source: Kegan, 1994)

An Illustrative Example

I just read an inspiring post about Alex Roca Campillo (pictured below), a 32-year-old with cerebral palsy (CP), who cannot complete a majority of daily tasks alone, for 75% of the left side of his body is

immobile and he communicates via sign language. Alex persevered and made history as the first person in the world with CP to finish a marathon.

Alex’s mantra was “You set your own limits, they are set by us individually.” Alex didn’t let his disability stop him.

Why do I share this? Because while Alex likely acknowledges the role his CP plays in shaping his life, he also doesn’t think of his potential as limited.

Understanding Identity

Identity is about self-perception

Alex was implying something powerful about identity - identity is the story we tell ourselves, about ourselves. In this case, Alex wrote his story of what he wants to accomplish, what he can do, and how he wants to live his life. And ultimately, this story became his destiny.

Identity can be created or happen to you

Take two different cases from Russia and Ukraine - Anna Sorokin, a con artist who created Anna Delvey, a magnetic art connoisseur, and Volodymyr Zelensky, now President of Ukraine.

Anna Sorokin (left, on house arrest in the Lowe East Side of Manhattan) was born in Moscow and mostly grew up in Germany to a middle-class family, but she moved to Paris to pursue fashion. She invented the name Anna Delvey, and decided she "belonged" in the upper classes as a New York socialite in the worlds of art and fashion. She shunned her family and upbringing, conjured a persona of a rich high-class artist, and faker her way into high society. Even after being jailed, is steadfast in her vision for herself and where she belongs. Anna’s identity was meticulously created (fabricated), knowing that how others saw her was important to her living out a life consistent with how she identified.

Vlodomir Zelenksy used to be a comedian who chose to run for President, with the intention of fighting corruption and the political establishment. But never did he imagine he’d be Commander-in-Chief fighting the Russian Empire, a hero known in every corner of the globe, galvanizing the Western

world to stand behind him in defending his country.

Can you imagine the identity change that happened to him? This was fully circumstantial, and while he could have crumbled, he rose to the occasion spectacularly.

In summary - identity is formed in different ways, and changes happen intentionally and unintentionally. No matter how it happens, it's important to be aware of the ways in which our identities change, and ask whether those identities are consistent with what we want for ourselves.

Question for you: what's a new aspect of your identity that has emerged? Has that been an intentional or unintentional process? How has it changed your life?

Identity is intersectional and layered

There are all types of sources of where our identity comes from - our bodies, the people in our lives, the lifestyle we live, where we live, what we do, how we behave, and even the groups we are included in or excluded from.

Beyond the “constellation” of these aspects mentioned, parts of our identities are also more salient than others, and parts of our identity can be points of pride, while others we feel neutral or even try to minimize. Parts of our identity can also be in tension.

One person I really admire is Billy Porter (pictured below), a groundbreaking actor and singer who is Black, gay, and grew up very religious.

If it wasn’t hard enough to be Black and gay, as his career advanced, Billy had to later in life contend with his femininity. This femininity as a man is a difficult identity to inhabit, as it is looked down upon largely by society, including even gay men, especially at that time. These layers created a complex situation for Billy to navigate in his life, from racism and homophobia to patriarchal standards of how men should be and act.

Billy said, “I was told for decades that my queerness would be my liability, and it was for decades, and around my thirties, I realized the only choice I could make for myself was to choose myself and my authenticity.”

Questions for you: How do the different parts of your identity intersect and interact? What impact does this have on you?

Identity is negotiated between others

As Michelle Obama in her book Becoming said, “If you don’t get out there and define yourself, you’ll be quickly and inaccurately defined by others.” We can't help that our identities are often in relation to others, but let's first be aware of the different ways this happens.

Sometimes we adopt identities made for us by others, for better or for worse. As children, we might come across a bully that calls us the same names and insults us repeatedly. Eventually, that can stick with you in a way.

On another dimension of others are groups - the groups we are included in inevitably become part of our identity because we experience positive association. Similarly, we experience being the "other" when we are excluded. There is even the experience of a “negative identity”, which is an identity formed in opposition to a group or cause - think about US American politics now - each political party (Republicans and Democrats) is more united in opposition to the other party than united under their own common values, principles, and policy positions.

As much as our identities are self-perception, that self-perception is influenced by group identities and others’ perceptions of us. We will associate with group identities in addition to having our distinct identities.

One interesting example came from a Pew research study on US Americans from different Asian countries: “Participants highlighted how the pan-ethnic ‘Asian’ label used in the U.S. represented only one part of how they think of themselves. For example, recently arrived Asian immigrant participants told us they are drawn more to their ethnic identity than to the more general, U.S.-created pan-ethnic Asian American identity.”

Asian Americans reported only feeling some sense of pan-Asian identity because of their context and how others perceive them. At the same time, they feel separate and distinct from other Asian ethnicities.

One last note on identity in relation to others - our identity is often felt in comparison to others. “Researchers find our reward systems are activated most when we achieve relative rather than absolute rewards; we’re designed to feel best not when we get more, but when we get more than those around us.” Will Storr, the author of The Status Game, argues that so much of our identity is wrapped up in status, warping the story we tell about ourselves against an arbitrary comparison point

Question for you: What group identities do you feel a part of? In what ways have others' perceptions of you shaped your own perception of yourself?

Identity is impermanent, constantly changing, and never “solid”

While we all have physical characteristics and histories that are unchangeable, our daily existence and experience both add to and erode our self-perception.

Erik Erikson is well known for his theory of psycho-social development, where in different phases of life we face challenges that are central to our identities. See below the stages we tend to experience:

• Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)

• Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)

• Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)

• Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority (Middle school years from six to 11)

• Stage 5: Identity vs. Confusion (Teen years from 12 to 18)

• Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adult years from 18 to 40)

• Stage 7: Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle age from 40 to 65)

• Stage 8: Integrity vs. Despair (Older adulthood from 65 to death)

Inevitably, our winding path through life will keep us changing - whether that is triggered by going to college, getting married, getting cancer, changing jobs, moving to a new city, or losing 40 pounds.

The degree to which we might feel our identity is something solid and unchanging versus constantly changing might be the degree to which our lives and the people in them change.

Question for you: What is something that has changed in your life that has changed your identity?

Identity Statuses

James Marcia developed a theory of four main points or stations along the continuum of identity development. These stations or points describe very different identity conditions, ranging from a diffuse and indeterminate individual identity to a precisely defined and highly specific individual identity. These 4 statuses are: identity diffusion, identity foreclosure, moratorium, and identity achievement.

1. Identity Diffusion - when a person, or some part of them, has neither explored nor committed to any particular identity. People at this stage are reactive, passively floating through life and dealing with each situation as it arises. Their primary motivation is hedonic - avoid discomfort and go toward pleasure.

2. Identity Foreclosure - when a person is not exploring much, but accepts the beliefs and values of their family, community, and culture. In a sense, they passively accept the identity assigned to them, without questioning why they should be, nor do they consider any alternatives.

3. Identity Moratorium - when a person is exploring a lot but is not very committed, sometimes because they are in the midst of an identity "crisis". They have not made any final decisions about which beliefs and values are most important to them, and which principles should guide their lives. They are keeping their options open.

4. Identity Achievement - when a person is actively exploring and strongly committed to a particular set of values, beliefs, and life goals. At this identity status, a person has decided what values and goals are most important to them, and what purpose, or mission will direct their life, allowing them to prioritize what is important to them. People at this stage feel more positive and confident about their decisions and values.

Why is identity important?

A commonly quoted phrase is: “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.” If you were to compress the logic here - the thoughts we have about ourselves become our destiny. It makes sense - the ambitions we have, the decisions we make, are shaped by our identity.

On a similar note, Ray Dalio said: “The happiest people discover their own nature and match their life to it.” If we know ourselves and our nature, we can make life work for who we are.

Let's talk about some of the research that includes more benefits.

• A study from 2014 indicates a coherent sense of identity is strongly related to a greater sense of purpose.

• Another benefit is in wellbeing - Billy Porter in his memoir Unprotected shared “the ultimate peace that comes with living one’s personal truth unapologetically.” This is backed up by research - that stress is reduced as a result of a stronger sense of self.

• That same 2014 research shows that strong self-identity is associated with a person’s self-esteem and sense of belonging, while some other research indicates that being unclear about your self-identity may be connected to low self-esteem, chronic self-analysis, and high neuroticism. Similar findings were reported in a more robust 2020 study.

Examining and Living Your Identity

Here are some steps you can to reflect, accept, or refine your identity.

1. Start from Perfect.

You are literally perfect the way you are. Perfect not in the sense of you are the most ideal person ever created - just know that there is no person you need to be except yourself. Give yourself the freedom of knowing you are perfect, and any changes you want to make are just to get closer to the “real you”, not the “ideal you”. This mindset has you starting from all the great things you are, not the deficits you perceive.

2. Reflect.

Ray Dalio says: “Pain + Reflection = Progress”. Our growth starts with pain, whether that’s coming from a place of not getting what we want, having no direction or having low self-esteem. Understand that any pain in your life is a growth opportunity to become a better person.

So, reflect:

• What makes you, you? Think about things that are “above the water line” and below (see the

diagram to the right) - the surface-level traits, but also your nature.

• What do others think of you? Ask people in your life.

• Be critical - how much of how you define yourself is either (1) the way others define you, or (2) in comparison to others?

• Do you love yourself? What aspects do you really like, and don’t? Where are you confused in your identity?

3. Define and Be.

Stephen Covey said: “Every human has four endowments- self-awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.”

Start with just defining (1) who you want to be for yourself and the people in your life, and (2) who you need to be to get what you want in your life. Just clarifying and articulating is an important step for you to create a mental model of yourself.

Learn to embrace yourself as you are, including your weaknesses, but focus your energy on your strengths. Understand that you don’t need to be everything and that you can leverage the people in your life who can compensate for your weaknesses.

If you notice your identity is an obstacle, name what is stopping you, and decide whether you need to work around it, or work through it (do you want to develop some new part of your identity?).

4. Project.

Harkening back to Michelle Obama’s quote - own your identity and tell your story to others. I love this quote from Rita Pierson’s incredible TED Talk (pictured below):

“I am somebody, I was somebody when I came, I’ll be a better somebody when I leave. I am powerful and I am strong, I deserve the education I get here. I have things to do, people to impress and places to go. You say it long enough, and it starts to be a part of you.”

One habit that I’ve been trying to keep up with is setting an intention of who I need to be today to have a great day. Do I need to be patient? Courageous? Loving? This gives you a frame of mind by which to operate for the day - not what I need to do, but who I need to be.

5. Refine.

You and your life will always be changing. Accepting that change (and taxes) is the only permanent thing in life, understand that parts of you that you held close, may need to disappear or grow to meet the new moment. Change can come suddenly or slowly, intentionally or unintentionally.

Pay attention - what attracts you, what repels you, what excites you, what makes you nervous? Your identity and your essence are things to be felt and experienced moment by moment, and being present is the best way to continue to discover yourself.

When you hit a wall, or run into a rough patch with someone in your life, ask yourself if your identity is in some way:

1. Under threat

2. Stopping you

3. Yet to be discovered to meet a new challenge

A Personal Example

When I realized starting a business was a new ambition, I realized that parts of my identity were obstacles, and others strengths to be leveraged. Einstein once said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” I realized I had to adopt new attitudes of an entrepreneur, like being a doer and letting go of my protection mechanisms, like being a perfectionist and people-pleaser.

Even harder than adopting new parts of my identity has been projecting it into the world. I had to intentionally tell myself I am a coach and entrepreneur and take new actions that I might otherwise not have done - like asking for someone's business and setting a price that I'm worth. I still come up against a lot of my fears and instincts telling me to retreat - but that's the way I know I am still in the process of adopting the identity I need to be successful.

Being aware of how identity influences our choices

How we identify will change what decisions are attractive and repelling to us. Our identity tells us what we "should" be doing and what feels good - this will influence our habits and lifestyle, how we spend our time, who we should surround ourselves with, and where our money goes. We wear our identity in fashion, we play our identity in music, and we drink our identity. Brands become manifestations of our identity.

Our skin color, gender, height, age, whether we are parents - these are identities, sometimes group identities, that influence us in different ways. Parents are One sad example of this is in schools I worked in, Black and Latino students would sometimes associate being "good at school" with being white. Parents, wanting to be great parents, end up buying things and parenting in ways that society says are the right way to parent.

Being aware of why we are making our choices, and asking whether our identity is unintentionally influencing decisions, will be an important piece of living the life we really want.

Conclusion

Identity is elusive, yet essential. On one side of the coin, it gives us a sense of permanence and feeling grounded, while on the other it can also box us into categories. Our identities signal what feels good and what doesn’t. Identities form these invisible lines in our lives, both borders between and connectors to people, places, and things.

Pay attention to the story you tell yourself about yourself - start with loving yourself as perfect and start with all the strengths and talent you bring. We truly have an unlimited source of potential to pull from, but it is our self-perception that creates artificial limitations and shapes our decisions.

If this topic resonated with you and you'd be interested in hearing more, you can join my mailing list, or just schedule a consultation to see if coaching might be a fit for you.

For Learning and With Love,

Chris

Sources:

• Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

• Book: Coaching for Performance by Sir John Whitmore

• Book: Principles by Ray Dalio

• Podcast: Speaking of Psychology

• Website: Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences - Identity

• Website Article: Alex Roca Campillo: Meet first man to complete a marathon with 76 per cent disability

• Website Article: BetterUp: The Importance of a Strong Sense of Self and And How to Gain It

• Website Article: Forbes: Here’s How Your Personal Identity and Sense of Self Affect Your Personal Growth

• Website Article: Psych Central: Finding Yourself: How to Develop a Strong Sense of Self

• Video: TED Talk: Every Child Needs a Champion

• Video: TED Talk: My Identity Is a Superpower, Not an Obstacle