Confronting My People Pleaser

Did I…

• Accept an end-of-day deadline that I shouldn’t have?  Well yes.

• Let a friend find a meeting point that was way more convenient for them and not me?  Duh.

• Clean up a colleague’s mess because they didn’t follow through on a commitment?  Don’t blink twice, I’ll handle it. 

Little Christopher was that kid in school who just wanted to be accepted into a friend group and would do anything to fit in...

So even in adulthood, I repeatedly overextend myself in the name of making others happy; I’ve cowered from even the thought of someone being disappointed, annoyed, or upset for me holding my ground; I’ve let my own goals come last in service of others and held a resentment as if that would make me feel better. 

Welcome to…my pleaser. 

On the Saboteur Assessment, I am a 10/10 Pleaser – like…Platinum Pleaser if you will.  And while I’ve been aware for much of my life, I’ve been unwilling and/or unable to confront this and hold my ground to more assertively pursue what I want. I guess it was easier to complain and feel superior because I was the one helping other people.

Where my pleasers at?!  We are all people pleasers in different ways, in different contexts, and to different extents.  We developed people-pleasing often as a response to wanting to feel liked, needed and accepted by our parents, family, and friends.  A fear of not being loved or accepted.  Fortunately, we get to use love as the antidote for our people-pleasing patterns.

My Journey

2024 was the first year that I made significant gains – the combination of therapy, journaling, the 6-week Positive Intelligence program, and conversations with my besties is helping me rewire my brain.  I have so much further to go with my Pleaser tendencies, including applying these learnings to new responsibilities at work.

Some personal learnings I hope fellow pleasers can learn from:

1.      Get Present to the Cost of Your Pleaser – Understanding the impact, both on you and others, of your pleaser will be the starting motivation to address the issue in the first place.  Are you losing time or money?  Stressed and overworked?  Resentful of your friends and family?  There are costs to people pleasing on all sides. 

2.      Gather Evidence that People Respect Boundaries – Having set more boundaries this year, I’ve come to realize that my friends and colleagues very much respect my boundaries and requests.  This is really important to note, as it will reinforce the message that you can and should advocate for yourself in all parts of your life.  Believing this is important and works is a second element that contributes to that motivation.

3.      Slow Down Your Thought Process – The more I slow down my reactions to others, the more power I have to choose a different path than what is automatic and comfortable.  If someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, giving myself a moment (a breath, “let me get back to you”, etc.) will break the cycle and have me think twice about the appropriate response. 

4.      Ask Yourself: “What do I want?” – There is no other way to combat the pleaser than to be conscious of what you actually want given the situation.  This connects to #1, but after you give yourself the pause, ask yourself what would please YOU.  Sometimes you learn that what you want can intersect, or create a counterproposal, or sometimes, you realize what you want is in conflict.  But regardless, it’s a better place to start than from what the other person wants. 

5.      Rehearse Your Response – If you are a bit nervous about saying what you need to say to assert a boundary or ask for what would please you, rehearsing your response will help.  It will give you the chance to word your request the best way you can, even to phrase what you request as an opportunity for the other person.  The mental rehearsal will reduce your anxiety and improve your chances of communicating successfully. 

6.      Communicate Responsibly – Good communication is clear and assertive, with the tone appropriate to the context.  Generally, responses including sarcasm, judgment, etc. will not serve you, but also having an overly friendly or passive tone can create openings you don’t want.  Responsible communication always respects both parties and serves both their interests even if it might feel awkward.

7.      Journal About Your Boundaries – Take some time to think about boundaries that are important to you in different parts of your life.  This can mean in your home, work boundaries, friendship boundaries, health and wellness boundaries, partner/family boundaries, and more.  Create self-awareness around your needs, so you can better advocate for yourself. 

Persistent Inability to Create and Hold Boundaries?  Start to ask yourself some difficult questions – do you love yourself unconditionally?  Do you feel you are worthy of having your needs met?  Do you put yourself first?  Where are you in this picture of being in service to others? 

Remember that every time you give in to your pleasing tendencies, that is another “vote” in the pleasing direction, and engrains the habit in your brain further.  Slow down, ask yourself what would please you, rehearse your responses when possible, communicate responsibly, and journal about those boundaries. 

By meeting your own needs, you can better support others, too.  Put on your oxygen mask first! 

For Learning and With Love,

Chris