When you're in "Out of Control"

On Tuesday, January 7th, I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I joked on Instagram that I

was "running towards the fires", as a fire broke out in the Pacific Palisades that day. But fires were pretty normal in LA, so I didn't think anything of it.

The next few days I would eat my words.

As the plane turned from the Pacific Ocean near Malibu toward the valley, I could see the fires raging in the Pacific Palisades. And on top of that, the wind was extremely powerful, and the plane was tipping left and right violently. The first attempt at landing was clearly not going to happen; the plane turned sharply and needed an intense burst back towards the sky for the 2nd attempt. I had never experienced this before. The 2nd try didn't work either, and I could see people were very worried and the person seated to my left, feeling sick from all the turbulence. I was scared. The 3rd time around, I could also see the fires farther East, I think in Altadena. It was surreal for all of this to happen at the same time.

Thankfully, we finally landed, but when I got a Lyft, the winds were so strong, that multiple streetlights were out, garbage cans and trees fell over on the roads, and some signs were hanging by a thread, with a threat of falling onto cars.

The next evening, as I was taking a bus back from the gym on Sunset Boulevard, I got a call from my friend asking me where I was. Clearly something was wrong - she told me a fire broke out in the Hollywood Hills, near where I was. As I was on the bus, I could see the fires in person, too close to comfort. The streets were filling up with cars trying to evacuate. We took a few minutes together to decide what to do - we decided to evacuate and ordered an Uber to get out of there as soon as possible. Because the bus wasn't moving, I got out in the middle of the road and ran almost a mile to the Uber to beat some traffic. My friend was in a panic, and deep down, so was I...

Thankfully, once we got into Uber, we made a quick trip to safety down south in Redondo Beach with my friend's family. But that doesn't mean we weren't impacted.

We were glued to the app tracking the fires; to the news; to social media, especially on Facebook where friends were marking themselves safe...watching videos of the devastation. I was fortunate enough not to be impacted...but nevertheless, it was an intense, scary, sad experience. This city was my home for 8 years, and seeing the stories of my friends and others' suffering was hard to receive.

How do we move on as if everything is normal?

We all experienced an out-of-control emergency: the COVID pandemic. 7 million people globally died. Humanity leaped into a new unknown world, but we never really collectively processed what happened, and what is still happening. We haven't moved on, we're just sleepwalking into an increasingly uncertain, chaotic, and perhaps more dangerous future.

What made the LA/Palisades fires distinct from the pandemic was the visual background of the city burning. The skies darkened. The ash was falling. People were running everywhere. Fire trucks and police cars were blaring alarms. We had the sense that things can change suddenly, unexpectedly, and dangerously. I finally came into contact with the reality that climate disaster is here. And now, all types of disasters feel very possible, if not likely.

The images of disaster will be burned into our memories. I hope we take the time to mourn, grieve, and process together. I hope we take our time to unspool the emotions and trauma. I hope we take this as a chance to show community and support - I am in awe of the bravery of the firefighters and emergency workers and the giving spirit of all the volunteers and donors supporting victims and keeping the city afloat.

Moving on from this is not just "keeping calm and carrying on" and rebuilding; it's acknowledging and feeling our emotions, and sharing them with each other. Moving on is resting and recovering. Moving on is remembering, reflecting, and learning. Moving on is honoring and expressing gratitude. Moving on is telling stories of tragedy, bravery, resilience, and comic relief.

I'm still in "out of control"...where do I go from here?

Since I've been back in New York, there is still this sense that I am off-center. Lingering feelings of guilt, sadness, fear, anger, frustration, even if I'm back safe here... what to do? For now, I'll continue to journal, exercise, and practice mindfulness, looking directly at these lingering feelings; and secondly, to lean on the people I love. I won't shy away from talking about my feelings, but I also know that it's important to experience love, joy, and gratitude as antidotes to feeling out of control. My people give me a great sense of safety and security. We all need each other more than ever.

If you've read this far - thank you! To show my gratitude, I'm offering you a free hour of coaching, redeemable anytime in 2025. Just reach out to me and share 1 thing you took away from this post, and we'll schedule a call.

For Learning and With Love,

Chris