A Journey to the Heart: Unconditional Self-Love

My Story...

In the summer of 2014, I was sitting in the back of a big ballroom at a Hilton in Los Angeles.  The facilitator of the intense Momentum Education program gave us the opportunity to go in front of the room, with an audience of maybe 200 people, and work out an issue (get some coaching) publicly.  I was shaking and now sweating at the thought of exposing my deepest insecurity and fear in front of all those people, but I raised my hand anyway and was picked to walk up front.  

I started to tell the facilitator something to the effect of, “I’m nervous about what my family will say when I come out to them”. 

Almost immediately, she interrupted me, and said, “No honey, no, they already know you are gay.  The problem is that you hate yourself.”

At that moment, my stomach collapsed as if I was just punched in the gut, the wind out of me - I could barely breathe and I was sobbing up front for what felt like an eternity.  I felt like I was in an exorcism, with demons that had been hidden in my stomach and chest screaming as they were being ejected from my body.  With no cry left in me, the weight of all that stress and self-loathing for 15+ years lifted...like an animal in captivity all its life being let out into the wild for the first time...  I felt like I could fly, and rode that feeling to a phone call with my Aunt to finally come out to her and the rest of my family. 

This story is 1 of many ups and downs in my continuing journey toward unconditional self-love – a very current, unfinished journey. I didn’t know it then, but there was so much more work to be done that I didn't even realize - perhaps the more we learn, the more we realize we have to grow. Sometimes the journey was marked by sudden realizations, and sometimes it felt like a slow gradual climb.

Over the last 8 years, I processed the shame and disgust I carried with me from traumatic childhood events; I realized with my therapist I still held self-loathing and negative judgment for leaning into a "Queer" lifestyle; I realized how deeply I thought myself a coward – not going up to a cute guy, not standing up for myself, or not asking for what I want; I beat myself up for “not measuring up to my friends, family, and colleagues” professionally and in life; and more recently, I understood the cycle of self-loathing as it relates to some of my addictions - whether social media, my hair pulling habit, and others. All of these produced a cycle of self-hatred that I couldn't get out of without stepping out of that loop.

The consequence?  The constant pressure on myself to "be normal" and "succeed" caused stress, anxiety, and frustration; it caused me to sabotage relationships with potential partners; I went on a bender every once in a while because I “needed the escape”.  In other words, coping instead of thriving. Rather than focusing on being purposeful with my time, I was too busy comparing myself to others and reminding myself of how far away I was from my “aspirations”.  And let me tell you – my aspirations weren’t rooted in what was in my heart.  Those "aspirations" were if-then statements: “if I get this, I can be proud of myself” that doomed me to a hamster wheel.

I thought I could temper my inner voices with some simple mindfulness, but journaling, yoga and meditation simply weren't enough. The pages of my journal were a facade and distorted the whole picture.  They were full of affirmations like “you can do this”, “look at all the strengths you have”, etc., but those words were a house built on sand. Yoga and meditation were just temporary respites from overwhelming negative voices.

When I stumbled on the Positive Intelligence Program, I made a little leap of faith that it could help...and the discovery was that I had very little unconditional self-love and only the ability to perform self-worth. The difference between the self-love I was learning in the Program, against the self-love I was performing... was like the difference between practice and the game; practice can never truly capture the experience. What I needed was a guided, visceral, emotional experience where I let go and allowed myself to feel and channel love towards myself.

Thankfully, I can say confidently that I've done the work, and wow do I feel more peace, contentment, self-worth, and ease with just allowing myself to be. With alllll the space I need to be present for whatever life presents to me.

Okay, that was long, but I can't tell you how important this topic is and how much we value it here at Potencia - so let's transition from story mode to some facts and recommendations on self-love.

What is Self-Love Exactly? 

From Psychology Today: 

"When we love ourselves, we have an appreciation for our own worth or value. We don’t need affirmation from others and we don’t need them to tell us that we are good enough, smart enough, attractive enough—we simply know. As a result, we tend to have higher levels of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence."

From Better-Up: 

"Self-love means that you have an appreciation, affinity, and positive regard for yourself. It’s closely related to self-esteem and self-compassion. When you have a strong sense of self-love, you understand your own value and treat yourself in a loving way."

Why is Self-Love Important?

If you don’t love yourself, you'll be stuck in the morass of negative self-talk and other self-sabotaging behaviors - “I’m worthless,” “I could never succeed at this,” or “I’m not smart enough.” These thought patterns and behaviors then generate feelings of anxiety, sadness, or hopelessness.

Without feeling positive towards ourselves, we may find it hard to be motivated. Many studies suggest that we need self-love to take action, take chances, and take on new opportunities.

On the flip side, studies have shown that having positive feelings about yourself may be a crucial ingredient for happiness and success, and therefore, key to a good life (Crocker, & Knight, 2005).

Also, not only does self-compassion — and by extension, self-love — help us bounce back better, but self-love keeps us mentally fit. More than 1,000 research studies have linked self-compassion to reduced psychopathy and improved well-being.

Reflections

Hot Take 1:  Self-love is at the root of so many of our issues.  I’ve seen so many clients that, after some digging, the real root issue is not a lack of focus or motivation or discipline.  It’s that they just don’t love, accept, and/or show compassion for themselves UNCONDITIONALLY. This is like the first domino...the foundation of your house...the roots of your tree (I'm practicing my metaphors).

Hot Take 2:  You will greatly expand feelings ease, peace, contentment, and happiness when loving yourself unconditionally.  I can’t emphasize this enough.  The alternative is coping and cover up your true feelings by distracting, pretending, pleasing others, and seeking validation, which only gives you a quick hit of dopamine. 

Don’t tolerate when you notice anything but unconditional self-love and self-worth – go to work on them immediately, in as many ways as you can.  And don’t kid yourself – if you're not loudly sure you love yourself, there's more work to do.

I will say: I definitely have more work to do, but the results just in the year 2024 have been life-changing.  My life, of which my circumstances have not changed substantially, is so much more enriching than a year ago.

How Might I Expand my Love for Myself?

I tried many methods, which I generally believed in one way or another have been working together:

• Positive Intelligence Program (personal development programs)

  • This includes mindfulness and meditation practice

• Going back through my history, transitions, accomplishments, and greatest moments

• Taking myself on dates

• Journaling

• Therapy

• Exercise

• Celebrating and rewarding myself

• Psychedelic Retreat

I would honestly recommend an all-of-the-above approach here.  Your brain needs constant reminding that you are worth it, you are perfect as is, you are infinitely worthy of unconditional love.  There is no greater work you can do than this – because even if you can still love others (Psychology Today's debunking "you can't love others if you can't love yourself"), you will still deprive yourself of peace, ease and contentment.

As you figure out what methods for growing self-love speak to you, keep these actions in mind:

• Showing kindness to yourself

• Forgiving yourself

• Celebrating and rewarding yourself

• Showing gratitude for yourself

• Setting boundaries

• Seeing your greatness

• Crafting and telling your story

This is deep, long-term, never-ending work - get ready to invest in it, and reap incredible rewards.

How can I help? 

Listen – I am not a therapist nor psychologist and I only speak from personal experience (and the internet). So certainly, my support has its limitations. But I can be your self-love concierge, helping you to think through different possibilities and stay motivated through the journey. 

I can support you with the Positive Intelligence Program, which gave me the knowledge, language, routines, and tools I needed to be calm and focused and apply in every part of my life. 

What would you do to love yourself unconditionally?  You deserve it, and your loved ones also deserve a "you" that is your best self - because you love yourself.  Let's chat and get this party started.

For Learning and With Love,

Chris