Your Missing Pillar of Development: Emotional Mastery

I recently coached a client (“Juan” – not his real name) who was dealing with a difficult boss and the perception that he was set up to fail in his job. Many of us have been in Juan’s shoes — stuck in a role that feels unwinnable, wondering if we’ll ever break free.

I asked him a simple question: “How does this all make you feel?”

Juan looked up, serious and contemplative. After some silence, he shared, “Frustrated. Angry. Helpless.” More silence, then it came out: “Sad. Depressed. Useless.”

In that moment of examining his emotions, Juan went deeper than the surface-level reactions washing over him. He hit a chord that triggered tears. And in those tears came clarity: the real issues were about hope and self-worth.

When I asked about hope — “Do you have a path to success in this role and organization?” — he surprised me with a confident “yes.” He quickly began generating new sales ideas, while also mapping a path for a future exit. No longer trapped, he had choices.

And self-worth? He realized the truth: his organization would never fully value his talents. But he could still hold his head high by taking pride in doing his best work.

If we hadn’t ventured into Juan’s emotions, he would have left with a few tips to “manage” his boss, but the same swirl of frustration and despair. Instead, emotional exploration unlocked his freedom.

Insight came only after emotions were recognized and released.

Cognition matters. But emotions are an important part of that process - emotions have a significant influence on how we process information, especially strong negative emotions. As the saying goes, culture eats strategy for breakfast. In the same way, emotion eats cognition for breakfast.

Why Ignoring Emotional Development Costs You

For some reason, it's intuitive for us to take a class, or read a non-fiction book, or listen to a podcast. But when it comes to developing our emotional intelligence, we suddenly feel awkward talking about that. In my opinion, emotional development is where our personal power comes from.

Here is what you're missing out on by not developing EQ:

• Positive emotions. Emotional awareness and regulation expand your capacity for joy, gratitude, and resilience. Positive emotions aren’t “extra.” They’re fuel for creativity and high performance.

• Stronger, deeper relationships. Emotional intelligence develops your ability to read others and communicate effectively with people. You'll get more depth and

• Consistency between your intentions and actions. Stress, resentment, defensiveness — they leak out. Even your best intentions get distorted if your inner system is reactive.

• Effective persuasion. You can present airtight logic. But if people don’t feel seen or understood, they won’t move. Humans aren’t persuaded by ideas alone; they move when ideas resonate with their emotions.

• Real Fulfillment. You may climb the ladder, gain skill, and earn respect — yet feel disconnected from yourself and others. The inside becomes a desert while the outside looks lush. Fulfillment comes from listening to yourself and knowing you are prioritizing what really matters to you.

Research Evidence for Emotional Investment

Emotional intelligence (EQ) isn’t fluffy. It’s measurable, and it predicts success better than IQ or technical skills.

Daniel Goleman, who popularized EQ decades ago, still makes this case today:

“Our research consistently shows that emotional intelligence is the strongest predictor of leadership success—more than IQ or technical skills.” — Leader to Leader, 2024

Other studies echo this:

• Leaders with higher EQ build stronger teams, foster satisfaction, and drive performance (Kerr et al., 2006).

• EQ-focused interventions improve well-being, reduce stress, and increase job performance (Hodzic et al., 2018).

• A 2021 meta-analysis in Frontiers in Psychology found emotional intelligence training significantly boosts leadership effectiveness and resilience.

Even Maslow understood this: love, belonging, and esteem are foundational needs. These are emotional needs. Without them, the pyramid collapses — and self-actualization remains out of reach.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

At its core, emotional intelligence is about noticing, understanding, and managing your own emotions — and tuning into and influencing the emotions of others.

These aren’t innate traits. They’re skills. Muscles that grow with practice.

How Do You Grow Emotionally?

Here are starter practices — simple, but transformative:

1. Self-Awareness: Meet Your Inner Weather

   1. Daily check-ins: “What am I feeling right now?”

   2. Journaling: “What triggered me today? What did I avoid feeling?”

   3. Mindful pauses: Notice tension before reacting.

2. Empathy & Perspective-Taking

   1. Listening sessions: Reflect back what you hear.

   2. Perspective: “What might this person be afraid of?”

   3. Feedback loops: Ask trusted people how they feel in your presence.

3. Emotional Regulation & Reframing

   1. Breath and body: Slow, steady breathing.

   2. Pause before responding.

   3. Reframe: Challenge your harshest stories with gentler interpretations.

4. Relational Practices & Vulnerability

   1. Share a fear or failure in a safe setting.

   2. Express gratitude or regret directly.

   3. Address tensions early with curiosity.

If this feels like a lot, start with one. The highest-leverage practice? The daily emotional check-in.  Simply naming (“I feel anxious”) creates the space to choose your response.

A Simple Audit: Where Do You Invest?

Pause and ask yourself:

• In the last three months, how many hours have I spent learning a new tool or skill?

• In that same time, how many hours have I spent on emotional development — coaching, journaling, therapy, relationship work?

What if you rebalanced? Intellectual growth is incremental. Emotional growth is exponential.

Final Invitation

I’ll return to Juan. He didn’t just walk away with clever insights. He walked away lighter, freer, with a plan that matched his heart as well as his mind.

If you invest only your intellect, you build on shifting sand. If you invest in your emotional life, you give your insights a home. Brains can win arguments; hearts win people.

So here’s my challenge: pick one practice above and do it within the next 24 hours. Try it, feel it, notice what shifts.

And if you want guided support, I offer coaching and the Positive Intelligence (PQ) program — designed to help you build these muscles.

Let’s build humans who are fulfilled and alive with emotions.

For Learning and with Love,

Coach Chris

(that's me with my first completed journal!)